ate Wednesday evening I and Hardhy Lester were listening to the peoples stories when we were approached by a very bright and friendly seeming fellow, who named himself Daniel and told us he had a story to tell. On listening we found this man was not all he seemed. My story! It begins on a cool, dark evening much like this one. I do believe the leaves were browning. Location? The Darkmoon Faire. It had only just rolled into town, and I, like many folks from the city, had gathered to see what all the hubbub was about. I was standing in line for the popular attraction, the Human Cannon. Now, mind you, I had stood in the freezing cold for over an hour already, eager to climb into the prestigious cannon and be launched in no particular direction to my doom. I remember chewing on a candied apple while the line thinned before me, only for the last person to climb into the cannon and be shot skyward. I remember thinking that it was my turn—my turn, after nearly an hour of waiting! I am about to step up to the cannon, when, lo and behold... this... this slimy rat... this foul misshapen wretch of a man... CUTS IN FRONT OF ME IN THE LINE!? He just cuts in front of me! Without so much as a warning! Can you believe it!? Who does that? Can we all agree that folk like that should just be shot Anywho... So, naturally, I protest the man's detestable actions! I yell out to him, in the most masculine voice I could muster! "Hey, you can't just cut in front of me in the line! That's not nice! I've waited for an hour already, and I'm freezing my fingers off!" Sounds pretty reasonable, right? You know what this demon of a man says to me? You know what this absolute SLUMHOUND retorts with!? "Eh, get back in the line, ye scruffy bastard." HE SAYS THAT TO ME. So, I've been freezing my fingers off for an HOUR, just to get to the end of the line and be told by a man half my size to GET BACK IN? I snap. I grab the man by his collar and drag him up the steps of the cannon! Furious, I stuff him into the cannon head-first. Now, I don't know about you, but I would be very terrified to be stuffed face-first into a cannon designed to propel humans at high speeds toward certain death! So, naturally, he starts screaming. Oh, the screaming. He just would not shut up! I descend the steps of the cannon and proceed to light the fuse on fire. I give him a cheeky "Have a nice trip!" as he is fired out of the cannon and sent barrelling who-knows-where. He was screaming the entire time. There was a little more to his story, but I think I will leave it there. I will be honest with you, at first, I did not believe his story at all I thought he was making it up for fun. But he assured us that every word was true, and he actually seemed incredibly proud of himself bragging about this murder as though it was an achievement.
“Hm, that's curious. Whenever I tell someone that story, they have the same response to the ending. I can't quite understand why. I mean, it's brilliant.”
The way he was happy, cheerful and with a bright demeanour throughout the whole meeting - including as he was threatening us upon our very lives - only made him creepier than one would have thought possible. The man is clearly insane or dangerous, most likely both, and while printing this article might potentially stroke the man's ego, we feel it is our duty to warn our readers about this absolute nutcase. The King's Law has no validity in the Darkmoon Faire, so reporting him for his crime seems pointless. Be very careful when dealing with this man, and make sure any criminal activity you do witness this man engage in, is reported to the guards.