or months the Stormwind guards has been working on a new version of their handbook. The old one, "A guide to the King's Law - A Guard's Handbook" is set to be replaced by a new and more dapper version, including a gold trim binding - fitting for a real proper city guard. The handbook is divided into several chapters, all of which are luckily written in an easy to understand language with short sentences and an absence of words with more than seven letters. The Lion's Roar has managed to get a copy through sheer luck, perseverance, good sources and a few coins exchanging hands. If you are as curious about what the future brings in relation to law enforcement than we are here at The Lion's Roar, then fear not, we will of course go through some of the rules with you.

Chapter one: How to address the plebs!

Every guard needs to eventually talk to people. A sad fact, but a fact none the less. Luckily the new version of their handbook has many advices for such. From calling people "cunts" to yelling "bitch" after them in the street, to questioning their legal rights to even be alive is all good ways to approach the common rabble which is the citizens of this dunghole of a city. If you can sneak in a few racist slurs then there is extra points. Oh and don't forget to objectify women. That is always a hit with the public. Best part is - that since this is now officially in the handbook you don't need to hide you are doin.. oh wait, no one bothered about that anyway! Insults are good, insults are life!

Chapter four: Threats!

No no, not the threats to your person, the ones you issue on a daily basis to anyone looking at you funnily. The only way to keep the plebs in check is to issue threats to them. Often and regularly. If verbal threats does not make them cower and worship the ground you walk on, then make sure to wack them with your cudgel or truncheon for good measure. No no no, not THAT cudgel or truncheon. If you are, then the book advises you to order them to follow you to a side alley and claim its "official guard business" before you proceed to slurp them in the ear with your verbal delicacies.

Chapter seven: It is easier to arrest a dead guy!

Make sure you beat the absolutely living crap out of anyone you are trying to apprehend, and refuse them medical aid. Less of a flight risk with broken legs after all. There is no such thing as exessive force, why do people think you became a guard if not for taking your anger and frustration with your small pe.. ahem, if not for making sure the plebs - citizens - thank you each time you use more force than nessecary - after all - you are just doing the city a favour by dealing with the crims! Conclusion of this chapter is: if you have not shot a citizen this week then what are you really doing in this job? Get shooting!

Chapter eight: Don't show empathy!

Laugh at their misery! Remember their shit lives is not your life! What do you care. At the end of the day you can always crack their skull if they bother you with their filthy dirty face. Homeless, pfft, they can get a new watery home in the canal if they don't start showing you some proper respect! Remember to make insensitive jokes at the wrong time, someone reporting their home burned down? Tell them you have a BURNING question, tell them you are de-LIGHTED to hear it. Of course, jokes about murder are not funny. Unless well executed! Always make sure you write your murder reports in.. bullet points! Right right, sorry, got carried away. You get the idea.

Chapter ten: Punish with immpunity

Everyone knows the justice system is broken. Crims get off too easy, but not on your watch. Yes some people think it is not the job of a guard to punish, but merely to uphold the law and protect. Nonsense. Make sure you show them what you think they deserve! Oh and don't worry about consequences, not like your colleagues will tell on you, and the crim can't talk with their mouth bashed in, and if you think he might? shot him dead. See chapter four!


All in all great advice for any upcoming city guard, and packaged in a nice fancy book, which unfortunately does not fit in any pockets on your utility toolbelt, then one with the grenades, tasers and handcuffs, but no room for a bandage. It just leaves us a bit confused. Did the guards already start using what it teaches? or has there been some sort of testing period, because this does not seem all that new.